Monday, January 11, 2010

This is opening up (hence the lengthiness of this post)

As I've said before, I like blogging specifically about This is NOT a Book because it is something that has meaning is my life that I can share, but its not too personal. It has a focus. It's not like my journal where I rant and rave about everything and anything. And get way too emotional and personal that not even my mother would care to read about it!

But I'm going to try to open up a bit right now. Because I need to. So if you don't care about my personal life, and only care about funny stories I have about completing the missions of This is NOT a Book, then feel free to stop reading. No offense taken.

Page 103: This is a psychological mood-altering machine.
It told me to write my current mood, then write my mood of choice in the "machine" on the page, then focus really really hard ... and then voila! Your mood will be changed.
WOW, I cannot explain to you how much I have been in desperate need of this recently.
If only it were this easy.

So... my whole life I've been a happy girl. I have a funny family. We laugh. One of my past coaches called me "Smiley." And my nickname in high school was "Sunshine" because I was always bright and sunny.
But for the first time in my life, all semester, I've been feeling not so bright and shiny. More kind of ... dull. Not dark and dreary. Just cloudy. Now I've had dark days before, I've had some pain and suffering for a 20 year old, I've been through a few deaths and physical and emotional obstacles. But whats odd recently is that nothing is wrong, nothing is bad, nobody died ... but the clouds are here. And whats even more odd, is that is been months, and they haven't left.

So throughout all this time I've been all hung up on trying to be "happy" again. Everyday I wake up and say "Today I will be Happy." And I am constantly reminding myself to "do what makes you happy." But, nothing is working. Maybe it does temporarily ... but after a short amount of time I realize that the clouds are still here and I'm not truly Happy, that I just fooled myself for a short amount of time.

Be Happy.
Be Happy.
Be Happy.

I've been trying SO hard to do things that will make me happy. Talk to friends. Smile. Run. Be with boys. Be with one boy. Don't talk to friends. Don't smile. Don't Run. Don't be with boys. Don't be with one boy.
..... nothing works.
..... I'm still not happy.

Finally about a month ago, me and my mom had a talk. At first she thought I was going crazy because I was feeling so down all the time. And then she thought I was crazy for wanting to be UP all the time.

Be Happy.
What does that even mean???
What is happy??
Who is happy ALL the time?
Is it even possible?
And if it were ... would I even want that? I mean ... imagine being around somebody who is happy ALL the time.
I would probably want to punch them at some point.

Why am I so hung up on being "Happy"? Why am I always thinking that being "Happy" is some sort of safe haven. I have this twisted image of what being Happy is supposed to be like. Like, its a place above me and I have to work my way there, as if its something I can achieve. And once I'm there I won't have to look up in despair anymore. And I'm a failure for not reaching it. And it's the fact that I'm so hung up on trying to be "Happy" that I realize that I'm NOT happy, and then feel more down and depressed that I'm not happy... Because I feel like a failure and I'm looking up at all the people around me who ARE happy and Im jealous and lonely.
What a VICIOUS cycle. A twisted image of happiness.

So after the talk I had with my mom I realized, I don't need to be happy. Don't listen to those cute little smiley face shirts that say "Be Happy" on them. I don't want to be happy anymore.
Now, I think its stupid.

I want to be content. I want to be okay. I want to live each day.

So my current mood:
Anxious. Uncertain. Nervous. Undecided. And a bit sad.
Im anxious about everything in my life. From what will I be doing in 5 years, to what will I do in 5 minutes. I am anxious about having to wake up tomorrow morning. I am anxious to start my DI applications that don't need to be done for 8 months. I'm anxious to do something, because after I finish blogging I don't know what to do.
I am uncertain about every decision I've made in the past few months. I'm not sure if I should have eaten that cookie at dinner tonight. I'm not sure if I should have been focusing more on running all fall and not pole vault. I'm not sure if I should be taking Kinesiology 585 next semester. Im not sure if I should have broken up with my boyfriend. I am nervous. I am nervous about my first meet on Thursday. Will I do good? Will I fail? Will I let it affect me? I am undecided about the decisions I'm currently making. Should I hang out with a particular person tonight or not. Should I be alone or with friends. Should I push myself the extra bit in practice, or go get ice because I'm hurting. I can't decide. And I'm a bit sad because I'm feeling all of these things. All of these negative things. All of these things that don't make me feel secure or confident. They make me feel a bit sad, because I don't want to feel them! But I can't help it. I can't help myself. And that makes me sad. I always thought I could figure out my feelings, and suddenly I can't. I don't like it.

Well my mood of choice which I placed in the machine is: Content.
I can't make these feelings magically disappear. (OR I should say that I can't put them in a machine and just alter them into more positive feelings). Sorry This is NOT a Book, but it doesn't work like that.
But what I can do is accept them.

I can accept that I feel nervous and anxious and upset and undecided. And maybe I can work on it. Maybe I can try to relax, or talk to people about it, and put everything in perspective. Maybe if I don't focus in on them. Maybe if I don't waste all my energy thinking about the fact that I have these feelings and trying all of the sudden be rid of them and be happy. Maybe if I just acknowledge that I have them and then move on and don't focus on them...then I'll be okay.

Everybody must feel these things. Its just what you do with these feelings that determine your mood. So I would like to be content. Accepting of the days when I'm anxious and sad. And accepting of the temporary times or moments when I'm happy. Accepting the fact that its impossible to smile every second of every day. And being content with myself even when I'm not smiling. Because I know that just because I'm not smiling doesn't make me a bad person. I want to eventually find a comfortable middle ground - between the unreachable fantasy HAPPY land and depression - where I can just say "This is my life. And I'm okay."

This just reminded me of a poem that one of my great aunts gave to me on my high school graduation day. Apparently it was my great grandmothers favorite. It might now be one of mine too:

May you always have love in your heart
May you always have joys to share
And wherever your dreams take you
May contentment meet you there.

1 comment:

  1. Hi, I just want you to know that I absolutely love your blog, and I too am doing This is not a Book, however, I'm doing it in my journal! I think what you're doing is really amazing, and I just wanted to wish you good luck in everything you do. My blog is
    check it out!