The truth is, I am feeling really emotionally unstable. My head is constantly thinking of topics and people that I just really wish I wasn't. I just wish I could forget all that stuff. But I can't. I can't stop thinking. I don't know what to do with myself. Its to the point where I can't do anything else but sit and think. I know that I need to get up, and go lift and write a paper. But Im just stuck here, thinking, feeling sick to my stomach.
I thought about looking through This is Not a Book. But I didn't even have the motivation to do that. I feel so unsettled about my life that I didnt even want to do that.
But then I remembered, this is exactly WHY Im doing it all. I KNOW that I need motivation to do my literature review or to get my butt up and run. I KNOW that I feel so confused that I need something else to get me to get up and be productive. I KNOW that all I wanna do is cry and feel sorry for myself. I KNOW all I want to do is fix things, and feel normal again. But I also know I can't do that. Theres no solution to making me stop feeling like crap.
And the whole point of this is that, I don't have the energy and confidence to just pick my head up and move on by myself. I need a stupid book to show me that there are stupider things, and more pointless things in life. And that I'm going to be fine.
So somehow I finally opened it, and started drawing pictures; with fine point sharpies; on little 2x2 squares. Stupid pictures. Pointless pictures. For no reason. I am really just wasting my time, accomplishing absolutely NOTHING. NOTHING.
I am not getting smarter.
Im not getting stronger or faster.
Im not helping myself get better grades.
Im not getting less stressed about all the work I have to do.
Im not bettering myself as a person.
Im not helping the world.
Im not feeding kids in Africa.
Im not making anybody smile.
Im not making a difference in anybodys life.
Except for mine.
For 10 minutes, I drew stupid pictures wtih a sharpie, and I stopped thinking.
I focused so hard on it ... on staying in the lines, making sure there was no white space, making sure it was visually pleasing, and I focused on nothing else. And suddenly ... I feel better. I'm ready now. I stopped thinking. And ... I feel better. Which is the point, I guess. Its not just doing another page in the "book" ... its not the fact that I have to draw 10 picutes but I only drew 5 ...its not the fact that I procrastinated writing my paper ... Its not even the fact that I like drawing ..
Its just .... I feel better now. I drew 5 pictures, and now I feel better. And Im ready to move on with my life. I want to get up and get changed and write my literary review paper on fat kids .... Im ready now. Thats the point of it all.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment