Friday, October 9, 2009

this is stupid, but it works i guess ...

The truth is, I am feeling really emotionally unstable. My head is constantly thinking of topics and people that I just really wish I wasn't. I just wish I could forget all that stuff. But I can't. I can't stop thinking. I don't know what to do with myself. Its to the point where I can't do anything else but sit and think. I know that I need to get up, and go lift and write a paper. But Im just stuck here, thinking, feeling sick to my stomach.

I thought about looking through This is Not a Book. But I didn't even have the motivation to do that. I feel so unsettled about my life that I didnt even want to do that.

But then I remembered, this is exactly WHY Im doing it all. I KNOW that I need motivation to do my literature review or to get my butt up and run. I KNOW that I feel so confused that I need something else to get me to get up and be productive. I KNOW that all I wanna do is cry and feel sorry for myself. I KNOW all I want to do is fix things, and feel normal again. But I also know I can't do that. Theres no solution to making me stop feeling like crap.
And the whole point of this is that, I don't have the energy and confidence to just pick my head up and move on by myself. I need a stupid book to show me that there are stupider things, and more pointless things in life. And that I'm going to be fine.
So somehow I finally opened it, and started drawing pictures; with fine point sharpies; on little 2x2 squares. Stupid pictures. Pointless pictures. For no reason. I am really just wasting my time, accomplishing absolutely NOTHING. NOTHING.
I am not getting smarter.
Im not getting stronger or faster.
Im not helping myself get better grades.
Im not getting less stressed about all the work I have to do.
Im not bettering myself as a person.
Im not helping the world.
Im not feeding kids in Africa.
Im not making anybody smile.
Im not making a difference in anybodys life.

Except for mine.
For 10 minutes, I drew stupid pictures wtih a sharpie, and I stopped thinking.
I focused so hard on it ... on staying in the lines, making sure there was no white space, making sure it was visually pleasing, and I focused on nothing else. And suddenly ... I feel better. I'm ready now. I stopped thinking. And ... I feel better. Which is the point, I guess. Its not just doing another page in the "book" ... its not the fact that I have to draw 10 picutes but I only drew 5 ...its not the fact that I procrastinated writing my paper ... Its not even the fact that I like drawing ..

Its just .... I feel better now. I drew 5 pictures, and now I feel better. And Im ready to move on with my life. I want to get up and get changed and write my literary review paper on fat kids .... Im ready now. Thats the point of it all.

No comments:

Post a Comment